Report #1 - The Perfect Girl

As with any great report that begins with a direct word-to-face relationship between author and reader, I can proudly say that you have made the correct decision to read this report. Whether man or woman, this report applies to both sexes. But by adding girl in the title, it is GUARANTEED girls will read it too. I owe this to the "Reverse Knowledge Theory". When a title focuses on a specific minority (in this case, men), people of the larger majority will feel compelled to read its contents, whether it be relevant to their life or not. More on this in another report. Without further delay, let's get started.

Like many great philosophers and writers before me, we males all agree the female is a fascinating specimen. But what could I say that wouldn't sound sexist? I caution female readers with the apparent sexism that lies ahead in the next few paragraphs.

Let's start again. Women. Women. Women. Women. Women. No matter how many times I repeat the word, it's simply "men" with "wo-" tacked on to it. What makes them "wo"? Is it the likelihood they'll go "wooooo" is more likely than that of men? Or could it be because "wo" sounds feminine? Same idea applies to "female". Why the "fe"? Because their feet are much more appealing than a man's? Or because they have more "feelings" than males? Or perhaps they're simply ironic beings? We ask this question over and over again but it has no relevance to what I'm going to talk about.

The perfect girl does not exist and never will. It's simply a lie and tear in the dimensional fabric that exists between your retina and her hot/or not so hot body that causes the illusion that "she is the one for you". I like to quickly make a reference to Where's Waldo?. That guy is almost impossible to find half the time. I once spent a day trying to find him and I can guarantee you that day was time well-spent. But what does this have to do with our topic at hand? Well, you could say finding the "perfect" girl is like finding Waldo. Sure, you'll "find" her, but that's just one out of many. How can there be more than one perfect thing in the world? Perfection can NEVER be duplicated. NO, NO, NO. Don't even try to question that perfection is something everyone can achieve. Those perfect exams you written? Other people did the same too. But guess what, one of those people put way more effort into it than you did. If possible, he would've gotten a triple perfect. How is that possible? Because society enjoys limiting everything.

With this limit, we can only find the faux perfect girl. A girl who's perfect, but only to you. But then, if she's perfect, what are you? Does that make you an FPG (cleverly, girl can be substituted with guy) as well? We have to go with the "Laider Perfency Theory". Developed by a man with a great wealth of talent in playing online games, he taught only a select few of this theory. Laider believed perfency (the state of becoming perfect) is achieved when you get into a relationship with an FPG. The time spent with an FPG will slowly increase your own FPG as well. There is no man (or woman) that is excluded from this. A common example is Courtney Love. That's all I'm saying, moving on.

There's also the "Defiance Theory". The theory has yet to be tested but it goes like this. Cease masturbation or any sexual acts for a full year (365.256366 days) and your (future) wife will appear before you. Snap of the fingers, just like that. During this time, simply engaging in a masturbation motion with your hands will reset the counter. Sexual acts such as flirting and the such will also affect the counter. Our greatest scientists are hard at work testing this theory, results are expected in the next 200,000,000,000 years.

But let's interject for a moment here with a rhetorical question. This is mainly directed to males. What if you wake up one day as a (hot) woman? Aside from the "obvious" actions, you're going to now have to think of the actions which you perform in public around others. Let me first remind you that not only do you have a woman's body, you also have the mind of a man's. What does this mean? Well, simply, you are the PERFECT, I repeat PERFECT woman (or girl, to coincide with the title). You must think I'm contradicting myself. "But wouldn't that make transvestites the perfect woman then? You gay". Wrong. They might look like women, but they aren't. In fact, we don't even have the technology (at the time of this writing) to convert a male to female perfectly (with a working vagina and all that).

What I'm suggesting is that if a man's mind was put into that of a woman's, they would then become the perfect girl. Why? Think about it. Just think about it.

Done? Unfortunately, this doesn't work the other way around. Why? Because men are already perfect (obviously "implied" sexism). Back to the main topic, with the mind of a man, they are able to relate to another man, which I like to call Brokinship (A broken relationship and a Brokinship, although rhyming, are not the same). A Brokinship is similar to a Chickinship (Is not related to a chicken ship). However, a Brokinship is infinitely leaps and bounds much more "tight" than that of a Chickinship. A regular relationship is thrown somewhere between (that's right, ladies, a Chickinship is less important than a relationship).

In conclusion, a perfect girl does not exist but once technology allows, they will start popping up all over the globe/galaxy/universe.